Relationships are difficult at the best of times but when you have trust issues it’s sometimes, at least for me, excruciating.
In addition to my trust issues I’m an over thinker AND while I come off as confident and put together I’m a teensy bit insecure on occasion. (Just what everyone is looking for!)
I do however hide it pretty well and mostly overthink and pick myself apart in silence. When I’m with someone I put on a smile, use humor and sarcasm to prevent discussions about feelings from getting too deep and rely heavily on purely physical encounters – wine helps immensely with this- and retreat into my dead inside bubble of numbness.
Sometimes this is seen as being cold or “a tough nut to crack”, in my mind I’m just trying to be cautious, protect my cold yet delicate heart and take things at a pace that doesn’t send me into a spiral of paralyzing fear. Often the men I meet see my apparent lack of interest as a challenge, which just feeds my trust issues, and there are others who just walk away if I don’t succeed in pushing them away first.
I have let my guard down on occasion though and had some decent outcomes but I’ve come to think that I’m nothing more than a fluffer for their next relationship. I’m often the one before “the one”.
Perhaps even when I think I’m letting my guard down completely, and there have been loads of times I thought I was being open and allowing myself to feel something, I’m still keeping those I truly do care about at arms length to prevent what I assume is the inevitable end.
When I think back on my past and wonder what the turning point was in my life that made me the way that I am, there are a number of alarming red flags. Pretty much all of my significant relationships have ended with me heartbroken after allowing my walls to crumble and them marrying the woman that came next or in most cases during.
- My high school sweetheart who I foolishly believed I would spend the rest of my life with at the tender age of 16, he was older and while I was finishing high school, and we were planning our future from opposite sides of the country he met his first wife and later cheated on her with my best friend.
- The one I almost married met the one he did marry just weeks after our split.
- The one I lived with who turned out to be cruel and emotionally abusive met his wife shortly after we cut ties for good. (I moved out but it still took a while to make a clean break)
- The one I created the perfect child with was also canoodling with the one who would become his life partner while I was pregnant.
Perhaps this is my purpose, to be the cold and distant girlfriend/ receptacle to make them appreciate the next woman that they stumble upon or perhaps I just have incredibly shitty taste in men. Either way I suppose I can take pride in my ability to prepare the men in my life for their happily ever after.
So be warned, if you date me, there is a decent chance that it won’t work out, but, I will keep you on your toes and have you primed and ready for the next one who will see you as their Prince Charming.
