May 26, 2013 I got the call. The dreaded call that no one ever wants to receive. The call that turns your world upside down and changes you forever.
It was the day I found out he was gone.
All of a sudden with no warning the worlds of so many people came crashing down around us.
I remember hearing the words but not understanding what was being said. I didn’t want to believe it was true and sat in silence for hours numb not ready to accept the truth, hoping someone would say they were wrong.
No one ever did.
It was late and everything was quiet when I heard his voice that night telling me it was okay now. That’s when the tears started and I don’t think they’ve ever stopped.
Five years later and he is still such a huge part of my everyday. I think of him and smile most days but other days I’m met with an overwhelming wave of sadness.
He was my best friend and the love I never thought I’d find and then in the blink of an eye he was gone. Gone with so many things left unsaid.
I read our text messages from time to time and wish I had seen the signs, wish I had said things I was too afraid to say. Wish I could go back in time to that last time we were together.
I don’t know that anything would have changed but it does haunt me sometimes that maybe it would have.
Suicide isn’t easy on anyone who is left behind and whoever says time heals all wounds would be wrong on this one. Time passes and the pain, although it lessens from time to time, the wounds never heal.
I feel him with me, watching over me and probably occasionally having a good laugh as I try to do all the things I thought he’d always be around to do.
Missing him everyday, until we meet again, I hope he now has the peace he so desperately sought in life.
xo
